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Nov. 15th, 2009

burnt out

It is that time of year, the time that everyone is burnt out from school work and the teachers are piling on the extra work before thanksgiving break and finals. Right now i want to just say F it, and not do anymore work and hope to slide by passing and get the credits. The only thing keeping me going is just thinking hard work now, time off later. That is why i am doing this blog, i don't want to get a bad grade and it is one of the easier things on my list to do homework wise.
I went home this weekend for family reasons, found my cousin on facebook and messaged her to get her head out of her ass and call home sometime, and went to where i use to work for dinner... i hate going home, actually it isn't even home anymore, it is just a place i stay when i visit my family. At first it was weird to pack to go home, now it doesn't even bother me. my parents while driving me up asked if i wanted to stop for dinner anywhere and i turned down a real meal just to get back to my dorm. My dorm that has floods, rats, and smells like shit down one of the hall ways, that is what i was rushing back to. Really i was just trying to get back to where my life felt under control, and i don't feel like a rush of waves are constantly knocking me down, at least when i am here i can catch my breath for awhile before another set of waves come and knock me over again.

Nov. 4th, 2009

living on pennies

  I came to the realization that college teaches us not only what we need to know for our major or future career but it teaches us to be stingy.  When i hear the word stingy i automatically think bad, but the fact is college makes most of us so money consciences, that if i see a penny on the ground i will pick it up in a heart beat.  My roommate and I even have this coin jar that we started so if we can't afford the weekend cost (you know the 3 dollar co-pays) 
    Before college when i had money in my pockets sure enough i would blow it within two weeks not even.  I have never been able to really save my money unless i didn't see it or have access to it.  I am almost certian though i get that quality from my mom and mom-mom.  When we use to have girl outings, it would be my mom-mom, my mom, my two aunts, and my sisters, we would go antique shopping, to flea markets, than hit up the closest mall, we just didn't know when to stop.  I actually hated going shopping with them because they would be in the smallest store circling around the same section for an hour or more, annoyed me.  
  So this summer i am going to have to learn how to save up my money for rent, considering i am not dealing with living in a dorm room again next year!!

Nov. 3rd, 2009

Amazing strength

I met someone here at school that has change my outlook on life already.  Learning her past and what may happen in the future I give her props for going to school and living each day as normal as possible.  During Halloween weekend, she had to fill in for her mom at a horse show, when we were getting the trailer and her horse it hit me, she does this alone all the time.  It was my first horse show that i have gone to, and I was ignorant to how much work was involved.  At prior horse shows, she would have to hook the trailer up to the suburban herself, try to multi-task by holding her horse and putting the saddle on, clean the trailer, and the list goes on. 
     Sunday was the first time she had a group of friends at her show too.  At previous shows, her family wouldn't even go, or her friends from home.  It makes me angry to think how family can turn their back on a child.  I now appreciate my family for supporting me, and calling me five times a week. 

Oct. 18th, 2009

FLU :(

    I have made the decision that October is not my month.  Thrusday I was sent home from Del Val because I have the flu!!  So for the past 4 days I feel like I have done absolutely nothing with my life besides for watching tv and blowing my nose.  I have learned something about myself though, I am a shopaholic.  I have been so bored, that to pass time I have went online to look at shoes, clothes, and jewelry.  I actually had 6 different store websites open at once and I started to compare prices.  Than I went onto google and looked up coupons for stores like Charlotte Russe, Old Navy, Body Central, etc... Every time I have gotten online I have seen if there are any more deals. (Like Victoria's Secret has bathing suits seperates that are as cheap as $6.99 and shorts that are around $20!) I could make a living off of shopping, my dream job is to by a stylist, shop for other people and use their money.  It really couldn't get any better than that.

Oct. 5th, 2009

Good-bye love

October 3, 2009, that date will stick in my head until the day I die.  That is the day I had to put my dog down, the day I felt I lost a piece of me.  I keep forgetting that it sounds crazy how much I love my dog Ava.  I swore that if i had to, I would give my life for her.  I find it so amazing how a person and dog can bond to an extent of unconditional love.  If there were more words to describe our companionship I would use them all.  Ava and I were always unseperetable, she would sleep with me every night right on the pillow next to my head.  When I ever I wasn't home for the night, she wouldn't sleep, and she would wait for me in the drive way.  When I came home on Friday, she was waiting.  Ava waited two weeks for me so I could be with her, and we could see each other one last time.
      Every time I close my eyes, I see the needle in her, I see the light pink liquid on the number 5 of the measurement.  I keep picturing her head on my knees, and my hands are embracing her and petting the back of her ears; that was her favorite spot.   After she was gone, I looked into her eyes, they no longer had the light within them, they were dull.  I didn't know what to do with myself afterward so I laid with her on the cold tile floor and cried on her, just like I would have if she was alive and I needed her. 
   Sunday morning waking up it was the emptiest feeling in the world, I don't even know how to begin to explain it.  It is like I was hoping the day before was a dream, but I knew when I didn't see her, she was truly gone.  I wish I could go back in time, I would have done so many things differently on Saturday. But I have to believe that she is okay, that there is a heaven, and that she will be waiting for me. 

Sep. 29th, 2009

(no subject)

I finally got to see my parents for the first time since I have moved into my new home, Del Val.  I didn't realize how much I missed them.  My dad and I have never said I love you to one another since I was little, but the other day over the phone before we hung up he said it.  That was the first time I have cried over missing my parents. 
     Saturday when they came up for my games I was ecstatic.  They brought my older sister up, who just recently got engaged, and one of my dogs, Peanut.  Having them there to support me during my first college games was an amazing feeling.  For years my mom was my softball coach, I relied on her for help with pitching, batting, and fielding; basically the works.  My first innings pitching I was nervous and was trying to over throw, going through my head I was just thinking of what my mom would tell me to change. What bothered me the most was I couldn't just go up to her during the games and ask her to help me.   I miss not being able to have her to talk about what I am doing wrong on the field or situations that happened during the game.  Those miniscule conversations are what I am starting to miss the most. 
      As a child growing into an adult, you create your own little rituals with your parents.  Those rituals, like eating chili on sundays while watching the ravens game, are what I feel like I am missing out on at home.   My sister became engaged while I was here, and instead of being asked to be her maid of honor face-to-face, it was over the phone. I missed her first dress shopping too.  The simple fact of being away from home has just started to hit me and I am starting to miss the little things that I use to have. 

Sep. 23rd, 2009

friend vs. saturday night

       Last weekend my best friend came up to Del Val for my birthday.  I was so excited for her to come up because I thought she would get along with everyone and we could all have a good time.  Friday night a group of us all went out, while we all were having a good time, I felt like I had to babysit or something.  She was anti-social to everyone and constantly following me around.  I understood though, it was the first night and she is meeting people for the first time.  On Saturday, there was a cocktail theme party that a bunch of us started getting ready for.  I was all dressed and ready to go, when my best friend says "you know when you get that bad feeling at the pit of your stomach" at first i was like, are going to be sick, but than she looked at me and she said she didn't feel comfortable going.  At that moment I really just wanted to leave her in my dorm for the night and go have a fun time to celebrate my birthday weekend.  But, instead I stayed in on a saturday night.  It wasn't a tough discision, i just felt it shouldn't have been a necessary one.  If i went to a college for someone's birthday I wouldn't want to be known as downer debbie.  anyways, I don't know if i should of been mad at her, or if it was just that I felt I missed out on fun things saturday. On the bright side this is college, and there are plenty of friday and saturday nights to come around. And in the end though, it is better to choose your friend over one night. 

Sep. 17th, 2009

Lesson numero 3

Today is my Birthday!!! I am legal, which now means I can by lottery tickets, porn, and cigerrettes, well at least in the state of maryland.  But now I can be arrested and charged as an adult.  I do not plan to go out and get myself in deep shit by acting stupid, however, as a child I was always taught to be scared of police officers, so the thought of them being able to handcuff me, scares me. Anyone reading this is probably rolling their eyes and laughing a little bit, it is okay, I laugh at myself all the time. 
     This past week nothing to dramatic has happened to me, but little life lessons.  For instance I started softball with the upper classmen and have learnt a lot about myself.  I learned if I want something, I am stubborn and determined, is that good or bad, I have yet to find out.
Oh and the other day I lost my debit card, and that is one of the most fustrated things because for however long you do not have the card you have absolutley no money!!!
so my life lesson for this week is do not lose your debit card and work hard for what you want

Sep. 10th, 2009

Lesson number 2 learned at Del Val

    Last Sunday my roommate and I wanted to go run some errands and go to the verizon store to get our phones fixed.  Both of us do not have a car or anything so we wanted to take the rush bus into town, learning that it didn't run on sundays we decided to take the train into Doylestown and just walk around.  When we got to the little station set up, the train was there already so we just hopped on. When we told the ticket man that we wanted to go to Doylestown he told us we were heading the wrong way.  Being a sneaky man that he was, realizing that us two had no idea what the hell we were doing, told us to go all the way down to Philly, get a round about ticket and head back.  After we paid nine dollars each, i realized we could of just got off at the next stop and waited for a different train going the right way.  
     The train ride was a little scary, where I am from is a rural county where the biggest city is Bel Air, (see no one has heard of it, unless of course you know where kimmie missner is from).  I was never sheltered as a child, but I will say I have never been to a city like Philly with someone my own age.   When we finally got to Philly, we were dropped off in the gallery mall, at first it was overwhelming and we had no idea what to do.  Than I saw my favorite store called body central, so, naturally we went shopping.  We ended up getting everything on our list of errands and even finding a verizon store.  I guess the first time going somewhere you are always going to feel flabergasted or even scared of something that is out of your norm.  All in all though, it was a good experience and we look forward to going to the gallary mall agian soon.

Sep. 4th, 2009

Lessons Learned as a Freshman in College

        It has been one week and one day since I have moved into my dorm at Delaware Valley College.  So far I have embarrassed myself, spent a lot of money, and realized professors do not care how much homework they give you. 
         I guess people are wondering how I embarrassed myself, and it is actually a funny story.  During the Week of Welcome all the freshman had required events to attend; and one of the events was watching this balloon man.  The whole day I was wearing a tube top dress a little to big for me, (for those who don't know it doesn't have any straps to hold it up) anyways, after the balloon man show was over the lights turned on and so my roommate and I stood up to leave, and as I go up, my dress comes down, not  good!  Thankfully I know my roommate pretty well, so I was able to laugh at myself with her and joke about it later. 
     Lesson one: don't wear tube top dresses too big for you :)